The Ugly Truth

I have been open about a lot of things over the past few months since I started writing this blog...my miscarriage, our struggle with infertility, our IVF journey.  And so to continue that pattern, I would like to be open about one more thing:

I don’t like being pregnant.

I know, that’s shocking---just like how you don’t hear about infertility very often, you rarely hear a pregnant woman speak up about how pregnancy is not all they had dreamed of. And how often do you hear about a woman that struggled to get pregnant not like the reality of it once it came along?

But pregnancy is very very hard and has been an especially difficult few months for me.

In the past 21 weeks, I estimate that I have thrown up approximately 250 times and dry heaved just as many due to my hyperemesis gravadarum (because regular morning sickness wasn’t good enough for this high maintenance body).  Although things have improved over the past few weeks, I still have days where I can’t keep any food down.  And have you ever had to move across the country with two dogs, a fish, and a constantly nauseous and overheated wife? The poor Sir (my newly commissioned hubby who henceforth has a new title to match his new rank!) may need therapy after having to deal with that mess for four days as we traversed to our new home in Georgia.

And an additional symptom that you don’t hear about very often but I have experienced since day 1? A funky taste in my mouth that NEVER EVER goes away---not with constant teeth brushing, mouth wash, flossing, sugar free gum, mints---and it’s driving me crazy.  Apparently it’s a hyperemesis side effect that can last all 40 weeks of pregnancy. Definitely not a pregnancy perk.

I do have the distinct feeling an alien has invaded my body.  My body has slowly started changing, which is honestly more disconcerting than anything else.  I don’t feel the glow, I just feel weird. 

I’m tired, but have trouble sleeping.  I’m dizzy.  I can barely climb up a flight of stairs without being winded. Standing on my feet for long periods of time makes my back hurt. I ugly cry twice as much as usual (and that was already a decent amount of crying BEFORE pregnancy…just ask the Sir and the dogs). 

I’m impatient to get back to “my body” and have this whole crazy experience be over with!

I would like to end this by saying that I am 100% excited and grateful to finally be pregnant after our years of struggle and that not enjoying pregnancy does not negate the fact that I am enormously excited that I am growing a little girl (despite the hardships) and get to meet her this fall.  This is just an honest moment that as much as someone can look forward to getting pregnant, it definitely isn’t as easy as many can make it appear. 

Would I do it all over again in order to create this little girl? A thousand times over.

As always, what keeps me going?

That in November, someone is going to hand me a baby!